The park was otherwise empty, so the bus easily pulled at our attention…
Even more so as the doors opened and out spilled a boisterously joyful group of half-naked women.
Music poured from the open windows, and the women started dancing, stretching; moving their bodies like tantric gypsies. Most of them were bare breasted, wearing brightly colored outfits that swirled around them as they moved.
Tiger was understandably rapt.
I was horrified.
I could feel myself physically shrinking as he leaned toward the group and seemed to forget that I was right by his side.
Soon, he got up and joined them in their merriment with nary a backwards glance.
I was left behind on the hillside, alone with my misery.
My heart raced and I told myself to wake up, WAKE UP.
And awake I did.
Around me, restless desert wind buffeted the space in which I slept. I stared through the slatted blinds into early morning blackness and tried to erase the nauseating dream from my mind.
And then, a surprising idea swam into focus.
What was it that had made me so upset?
Was it that Tiger abandoned me in favor of those beautiful, free, joyous women?
Or, was it that I had abandoned the beautiful, free, joyous woman within myself?
Immediately, I understood what the dream was telling me. At that moment, I decided not only to absorb the lesson, I decided to go back and change the dream. I fell asleep and the cold room around me was replaced by the same boisterous group of women in the same bus…
But, this time I was one of them.
Together, we pulled into the park and streamed laughingly out of the doors. I wore next to nothing and the dappled sun whispered kisses across my skin. I saw Tiger alone above us on the hill and our eyes met.
I swirled my hips, completely absorbed into the music, the grass, the breeze. All the other women disappeared from view as Tiger approached me and caught the small of my back with his palm. His eyes locked with mine, our pupils dilated with availability and naked desire.
My heart sang, and I awoke again with a smile. True story.
For the first time, I experienced my ability to change my dreams.
And if I can redream myself as I sleep, nothing (but me) is stopping me from redreaming myself awake.
The dream was never about the other women or Tiger’s attention to them over me. It was about me hiding behind a shell of smallness. It was about choosing to watch other women blossom while I stayed safe and bitter. It was about the magnetic draw of actualization.
It was a wake up call to more fully embody the feminine divine.
It occurred to me, after reveling in the feelings my second dream awakened, that I was grateful for my own jealousy.
Yes, the experience of it was (and is) unbearable; it makes me feel less than… sometimes it can be pervasive enough to burn my heart. But, that physical sensation is probably what helped trigger me to awake from my nightmare.
It stands to reason that jealousy can jolt us awake from our living dream, too.
When we experience envy, it’s tempting to sit and stew in its poisonous soup. But, if we are brave enough to pull back and look at what we are actually feeling, it’s not so much about the other person/situation/circumstance.
It’s about what we KNOW we are supposed to start doing or stop doing but haven’t yet taken action on.
It’s about us, not them. Always.
Jealousy is simply a spotlight on where you need to show up for yourself. It hurts because it contains seeds of truth. It hurts because the light is harshly bright. It hurts because it forces you to choose between change and suffering.
When you show up for yourself, you worry less and less about what you have to lose… So, when you swallow jealousy as a bitter (but medicinal) pill, your envy subsides as your attachment and fear of loss begin to dissipate.
In the process of embodying what you formerly envied, you become absolutely irresistible as a side effect.
For me, this looks like wearing the flamboyant clothes from my dream in my actual life (whether or not they suit the situation, they suit me), it looks like a wide eyed, cherishing, nakedly loving gaze right into my Tiger’s eyes. It looks like taking steps to become the (even more) vibrant woman I know lies within.
It looks like appreciation and gratitude for those who trigger me.
I’m learning to love all the indicators that my lifetrack is refining; whether or not they are pleasant to experience.
I’m learning to redream my life.