open marriage wedding day shoes

“Open marriage, huh? How’s that going for you?”

“Once you open your marriage, there’s no way you’ll ever choose monogamy again.”

That’s certainly what I thought as I started reading books and opinions on open marriage or polyamory. Somewhat disdainfully, I started to regard monogamy a dead relationship paradigm.

In 2012, I was caught up in a maelstrom of paradigm fucking. After trying nearly everything under the sun to craft a meaningful, happy life (without lasting success), I finally accepted that the answer to my ever-present undertone of malaise was, in fact, me.

I looked at my circumstances (the ones I’d created) and ponied up a confession: I didn’t like the life I’d built all that much.

  • I’d chosen a nice, funny husband who very much desired me (but had become more like my adorably amusing roommate-brother)
  • I had an in-theory enviable beach house (in reality it was a dark cave of a house that retained water like a thirsty sponge)
  • We brought a gorgeous golden-haired child into the world (who’s late talking would end up in an autism diagnosis)
  • I took the leap into working for myself and from home while I raised our son (but that was all on me so both my baby and my new biz baby had my split focus)
  • I got myself a great post-baby body doing p90X during nap time (which induced the loss of my milk supply and forced an earlier-than-planned weaning)

If I kept my parentheses buried, things looked pretty good.

But in my heart, I knew I was living someone else’s dream life.

I stopped blaming my husband for not making enough money and becoming my brother. I started looking at why I was filled to the brim with white lies that just kept getting easier to tell (myself and everyone).

I started looking at my appetite and saw that the perfect vegan, mostly raw, green-juice-filled diet I was following would never bring vitality to my body if my soul was left unsatisfied. I grabbed a hamburger and started researching how to take back the reins of my runaway life.

I then looked at my marriage, the one last circumstance I resisted changing (because deep down in my heart, I knew full-well that I needed to change it).

We always know what
we really need.

I asked for an open marriage, coached by books and encouraged by a newfound admission that I wasn’t quite the pigeon-holed good girl that I always thought I was. I move fast, always. So, I quickly dumped all of my preconceived notions of what a marriage looks like, bolstered by pre-historical biological evidence and a newfound ability to tell the truth.

My open marriage experiment became one of the greatest gifts I ever gave myself.

But not from all the sex (of which there was actually very little).

The unexpected gifts?

Aside from the appearance of a stranger who would soon be revealed as my absolute twin soul, soul mate, and future husband; two other presents were inserted (ahem) into my life.

I tell you about them
in the video below:

Monogamy by default is different than monogamy by design.

Everyone’s relationship rules are their own. So, instead of choosing a camp (monogamists vs. polyamorists), why not take a look at what you really want, take responsibility for creating it, and tell the truth? Start with yourself and your parentheses. Start small… like, admitting that you love hamburgers or that you know you need to be more thrifty with your spending. Admit you’re faking orgasms. Buy a vibrator and learn how to come. Look at your child in the eyes and help him learn how to talk. Get outside and go for the hike you’ve been telling yourself you need.

Stop defining yourself as ________________ and start sitting with the question of who you are.

These things about you I already know for sure: you are loveworthy and you deserve an honest life.

Ecstasy is the fuel for your truth to emerge.

Thoughts? Confessions? DM me on Instagram @moonandmanifest

What is an "open marriage"?

I like this description of an open marriage as it was the simplest and clearest I could find:

Open marriage is a form of non-monogamy in which the partners of a dyadic marriage agree that each may engage in extramarital sexual relationships, without this being regarded by them as infidelity, and consider or establish an open relationship despite the implied monogamy of marriage.

If you’d like to have my perspective on your podcast or show, please reach out to me here to schedule an interview!

Through her courses and programs, Lola Pickett empowers empaths and sensitive folk to rewire their brains, bodies, and behavior for internal & external resilience; shifting from self-repression to soul-expression.

She is the published author of the Wild Messengers Alchemical Tarot, host of the Moon + Manifest podcast and founder of Empathology™—an emotional, mental, physical, and spiritual resiliency training program.

Lola’s a Communication Empath. What kind of Empath are you?
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Can an Open Marriage Lead to Monogamy?

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